Rich man’s Spectre: I didn’t really enjoy Spectre. To quote Samuel L Jackson in Kingsman, “Nowadays they’re all a little serious for my taste, but the old [Bond films]… marvelous. Give me a far-fetched theatrical plot any day.” Kingsman: The Secret Service delivers on that promise.

★★★★★

Daniel Craig is at the same time one of my favorite and least favorite actors to play James Bond. He was in Casino Royale, a film that took Bond into the twenty-first century. It was fun. It was exciting. It even made hold ‘em poker as exciting and tense as any gunfight. But then Casino Royale had a sequel. For a Bond film, Quantum of Solace isn’t terrible (especially as a sequel). If you disagree, I challenge you to watch both films back to back. Skyfall presented a fantastic villain in Javier Bardem and was pretty fun to watch, until the last third turned into a demented Home Alone. Now we have Spectre. We have an M. We have a Q. We have a Moneypenny! We’re getting a Spectre and presumably a Blofeld! It’s time for someone to steal some nukes and hold the world hostage!! But wait, no, Bond now needs to have a character arc. He needs to learn something. He needs grow as a person.

Fuck. Me. All I want is to have a good time. Bond needs to drink a martini, punch some bad guys, make puns, fuck women, and save the world. IT’S NOT THAT GOD DAMN COMPLEX. But nooooooooo, I’ve gotta get an action hero with a soul who needs to learn that sometimes you don’t kill the bad guy.

Let’s back up a bit. I really enjoy me some James Bond. I have them all recorded on VHS from Spike TV’s Thanksgiving James Bond marathon. Do you know how much concentration it takes a thirteen year old to arrange a recording schedule, buy VHS tapes, and then sit in front of a TV for 70 hours to skip commercials over Thanksgiving? I’ve seen every Bond film at least three times, even the ones that suck. Here’s what I’ve learned: there are two basic metrics for any James Bond film. These two metrics are enjoyment for the viewer and quality of the film. Now, when I say quality, I don’t mean Oscar-worthy. I mean this: How many ridiculous puns does Bond make? How many women get captured and held hostage on a blimp? How many henchmen are killed by sharks? Are any henchman named Jaws, Oddjob, or Nick Nack? Are there any women named Xenia Onatopp, Plenty O’Toole, or Pussy Galore?

I’m an engineer. I like numbers. I make graphs. Below you’ll find a graph of every James Bond film rated on both quality and enjoyment. Let’s go through the highlights. In the top right corner, we have Casino Royale. It’s relatively believable. Nothing too ridiculous happens. It’s also a ton of fun to watch. It’s a nine for both quality and enjoyment. Now the bottom left: Moonraker. What the fuck is happening in this movie? Bond goes to space. There are lasers. Jaws is an ineffectual villain. It’s slow and boring. That’s a one for quality and a two for enjoyment. What about top left? In that corner we have A View To A Kill. What a god damn mess of a movie. However, it’s fun to watch. It’s so ridiculous it crosses into some really fun territory. Christopher Walken has a blimp with an office in it! He’s also a genetically engineered supervillain. No one knows what’s going on and Roger Moore is roughly 150 years old. Lastly, the newest edition into the Bond universe, the bottom right corner. Spectre is slick, it’s pretty, it’s  got good stunts, and not too much craziness. But man is it slow. I checked my watch so many times throughout this film. I spent the whole film so worried about James Bond’s mental wellbeing that I was just unable to enjoy myself.

If you look at the graph above again, you’ll see that Kingsman is on it. It’s a seven for quality and a nine for enjoyment. If it was a Bond film it would be in my top five. It hits all the high water marks. It’s got a ridiculous villain with Samuel L. Jackson at the top of his game. He’s got a ridiculous plan to kill the entire population of Earth with cell phones. There are amazing fight scenes! Holy fucking shit does Colin Firth kick some ass as a spy. You care about the main character, Eggsy, played by Taron Egerton. But, you don’t care enough to really get tied up in his personal life. There are cool gadgets! But, they’re not ridiculous like a fucking coat made only for the avalanche scene that’s about to happen. (I’m looking at you, Pierce) THE HENCHWOMAN HAS SWORDS FOR LEGS!!! SWORDS!! FOR!!! LEGS!!!! If this is a Bond film, I’m ecstatic. I don’t need some shit from Bond’s past resurfacing or my spy to go through an emotional journey. I just want Bond to kick some ass so I can have a break from real life and have some fun.

Kingsman: The Secret Service isn’t available for streaming. Go buy/steal it!

Next week, Josh will be reviewing Animal House. How the fuck has Josh not seen this movie?